I recently chatted with a male friend about the trials of married life and what I sometimes refer to as the sex dry spell.
It’s one think to xeriscape your yard but when your sex life resembles a desert, you need to dig deep to find out the underlying issues.
Like him, I went through long dry spells of not having sex. I would make excuses as to long hours at work, the frenzy of kids activities, migraines, etc. Strangely my husband started resenting my job and grew less sympathetic to my chronic headaches. Gee, I wonder why.
But really I was resentful of things not getting done, me feeling like a constant nag (or bitch) and a perceived disinterest in me other than for sex. So I used the only weapon I had, legs closed tighter than a vault.
Due to this resentment and lack of intimacy, I also put off having the honest and difficult conversations surrounding the type of sex I was interested in and questions about who I was finding attractive. This only got me a standing daily date with my sex toys and a secret porn blog, simply entitled “my unmet desires.”
We continued like this for years until one day I read a sex help book and realized that I was only cheating myself. So we started having sex regularly and I got to initiate it as he was so tired of rejection he had no interest in initiating it.
I was still resentful as I was still not getting what I wanted but I was getting sex on the regular. And then I went back to tumblr but this time I told the husband about it and had him look at my interests as a picture is really worth a thousand words.
I also found a community of women who didn’t make me feel deviant. They made me normal. And that is empowering.
That sharing has led us to a journey into light BDSM, role play, swinging and then open marriage.
Are we perfect or a model couple, no! But at least we are skirting far away from the desert…together.
– The Girl
The Girl You'd Never Guess 