And now that I know that I’m breaking to pieces
I’ll pull out my heart and I’ll feed it to anyone
I’m crying for sympathy, crocodiles cry
For the love of the crowd
And the three cheers from everyone
Dropping through sky
Through the glass of the roof
Through the roof of your mouth
Through the mouth of your eye
Through the eye of the needle
It’s easier for me to get closer to Heaven
Than ever feel whole again
– The Cure
I think the problem of having days when you feel so free and alive is the stark contrast of the mundane.
I think to guard against that, I have unfriended real friends on social media and logged out of my fetlife account. I really don’t want to see that my friends have time for this every hour but no time to reach out to me. (I know cue the violins).
I have returned to tumblr and that safe anonymity where no one knows me and I can perv porn. I no longer can post myself as the algorithm has my name memorized so I get the benefit of no unwanted attention. Just me and the erotic images I love, a match made in alternative universe history.
I am honestly the most bored I have ever been as I only have been off work this long when I had children and that went by in a daze and me counting down to when I can adult again. I like structure and conversation and cannot be left to live in my own head. It’s not the place for me.
I also don’t want to have relive my last four years of employment constantly with prospective employers. I don’t think they understand that I am reflective and regretful of the choices I have made and I have had to live with the consequences. Hell, I basically can write my own performance appraisals complete with areas of improvement and the action plans to achieve “greatness”.
So today, I am owning the boredom. I will try not to watch porn as it’s getting me nowhere (other than super relaxed) and I will try to find something to do before my kids home from school.
So today you will find me by my pool, naked, reading a professional education book…
– The Girl