Every time she moves on she says
(Don’t take it personal)
People are afraid to merge on freeways in Los Angeles.
– Bret Easton Ellis
I remember reading Bret Easton Ellis’ Less Than Zero when I was 14 and that opening line has always resonated with me. I am one of those people who can count her friends on one hand.
I do not use the term love or friend loosely.
It’s not that I am incapable of complex, human relationships. I simply choose not to get close to many people. I can live quite comfortably in my own head and enjoy solitary hobbies.
I am the first person to tell you an honest story about my life, or my current journey and may make someone believe I am sharing an intimate part of me. But, really it’s just me. My attitude is why hide things when you can live honestly and openly.
My therapist once remarked I that I make the perfect swinger as I can compartmentalized my actions and form no attachments. I view sex almost transactionally and do not romanticize it. He said he never sat across from a woman who spoke of sex like his male clients.
He was right as I love chase but not the long haul. I am friendly with some but am not hurt if I never see or cross that person’s mind again. This started in college and had a long respite but now in the open marriage, it has resurfaced.
I look at sex as a release and nothing more. I don’t need romance, just the elevated heart rate and endorphins. It’s my main stress reliever and works every time. And, I mean every time.
Sex used to be the way I confirmed that a man found me attractive but in the end I don’t need that validation. I find myself reasonably pretty with a keen mind and quick wit. I look to my partner as my equal not as my mirror.
I often will often act a part, that is in sharp contrast to me. I can play the baby girl or the little slut. Both are a part of my fantasy world but so foreign to my everyday life of wife, mother and successful, Alpha professional. And honestly, it is tiring if it goes on too long.
And maybe that’s why it’s so easy for me to walk away…
– The Girl