Pour Me Another…

I promised to my wife and children
I’d never touch another drink
As long as I live but even then
It sounds so soothing to mix a gin
And sink into oblivion

– Cold War Kids

I never had a drinking problem, unless you count that one year in college. But I can understand those that have some kind of fixation that gives them a high whether it’s drugs or alcohol or gambling or even sex. I recently read a post by a woman sex addict and I just was like “hmmm I recognize that and that and that.”

My husband has recently “suggested” that we end our open marriage as we are not really in a good place in ours. I understand his point of view as sex with others was supposed to be “on top of” our great marriage and shared sex life. It was supposed to be the sundae’s cherry not the ice cream and whipped cream too.

But honestly, sex with others is the only sex I crave. It’s baggage free and different and thrilling. It was my go to way in college, I enjoyed the one night stand. I didn’t need feelings, just attraction.

I never have confused fucking with making love. I am not that girl. So the open marriage was perfect for a girl like me.

I am having a hard time with this “suggestion” which I honestly know is a mandate. Does this make me a bad person that I want excitement over feelings? What makes stranger sex to me so appealing when I am generally a risk adverse person? And why can’t I express any of this to the person I am married to?

It’s not like I hid my desires for rougher sex. He once remarked about it in the early years of our marriage, but I got the hint that I should quiet those thoughts and keep them to myself.

I remember when I told him my main fantasy is stranger sex and I saw his look of horror. I have never acted on it but I think it’s hot as fuck to see someone, make that eye contact that you are interested and retreat somewhere to fuck someone clothed against a wall. And did I receive the suggestion of role playing it sometime with him, no I got the look of disgust followed by “who thinks like that?”

It’s not like I can act on this in the times we currently live in but why can’t I get up the desire to fuck the person I am married to? And it’s simple, I am a bottom and I don’t want to have to suggest the wax play, the blindfold, the cuffs and the gag. I want the other person to want it too and want to inflict light pain on me. I want them to know me enough that I need that.

The person I did engage in play with outside of my marriage understood those unspoken desires (well they were clearly spelled out on my fetlife page so that probably helped.) But he wanted those things too, so we were compatible and fulfilled a need the other didn’t have met at home.

The funniest thing about him was we were never really friends until we stopped playing and now I know I can count on him for other things as well. So in the end I gained a friend from our time together and I am grateful that he checks in on me regularly to see that I am ok.

I sometimes wish I could just turn this part of my brain off, but instead I will mix a gin and tonic tonight and lie to myself that these desires will pass…

– The Girl