There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It’s more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together – to grey
And it breaks her heart
– Dave Matthews Band
I hope that this post finds you well in this new place that we refer to as “Normal.” Frankly, I am healthy but pissed off. It seems selfish to be mad like I am but I cannot help it, I am a woman who wears her emotions on her sleeve and has eyes that betray her every thought she tries to conceal.
Why I am so angry? The answer is I am an extrovert and I am not allowed to go out and be around people that I derive energy from. I admit it, I love the background noise at a bar as much as the expertly prepared cocktail. I like to watch people as well as be watched. Ok maybe that is more at sex clubs than the local watering hole….
Today, we would be an example of a day that I would usually call a friend on my way home from my 55+ hour work week and say lets meet for a “a drink.” One drink would become many as we share that week’s joys, trials and laugh at the stupid things we say after a few drinks. But no, I drove straight home from work to enjoy a homemade cocktail and sit on my couch and listen to a fortnite battle.
I am tired of zoom meetings and people who have given up on their appearance as “we don’t need to wear a bra if we are just at the house” or “why bother with makeup today?” I get it but I do not want to go there. I am making an effort to go into my office everyday and still dress for the world I want to live in. I even accessorize and fight with a bob hairstyle that is 6 weeks passed its shelf life.
I try to see friends on a frequent basis whether it’s to walk in the park or sit by the pool having a cocktail. There’s a strange normalcy in having those few people who know your worst self and still love you. And yes, I wear make up for our impromptu gatherings.
I hate that I cannot wander around a mall and just window shop or try on something to make me feel pretty. Carry my packages and stop in a restaurant and order a cocktail. Today, when I heard our governor talking about how much we have all embraced curbside pickup and that maybe that is how we should all shop in the future, I was like great now we will all be more tied to our devices and never interact.
I see the impact that the lack of schedule is having on my chilren and the many emails that I receive from teachers and think, “Jesus I did not sign up for this life and there’s a reason I don’t home school.”
But truly, I want to be outside of my home and amongst people that want to interact with me and not trapped where conversation does not flow and I am afraid to express my wants, needs and emotions. I want to be with the people that choose me and not feel this overwhelming sense of loneliness.
In the end, I want to live in my old normal back and stat,,,,
– The Girl