But they’re closing the bar
And they want us to leave

– Death Cab for Cutie

Ok quarantine life can officially suck a dick and choke on it. I know that sounds terrible and I apologize for anyone affected by it, the flu or any other tragedy but I am really tired of social distancing.

If there was ever an oxymoron, practicing your “social distance” has to be one.

The other day I did something I never thought I would do in my adult life. I went into a bank, wearing a mask and asked for money. Yep, that’s how we roll now.

That same day, I was shunned for not wearing a mask (but maintaining my distance) as I distractedly went into a store while on yet another after hours work call to get my weekly supply of vodka. A woman who was 12 feet away from me told her son not to look at me as I could give them the corona virus. As I listened to her tell the cashier that she knows nothing about beer, my inner voice thought “bless your heart Coors Light isn’t beer sugar.” But instead I just hugged the vodka bottle tighter and wished I could leave.

But I digress. I want to be me again, not the me that drives to work and has only three drive thrus to pick from as her only brief escape from her 11-12 hour work days. (Oh if one could have salads, I maybe be a little less bitchy but no the salad places were the first to close right after my gym.)

The other day I got excited, like really excited that the local naked beach’s hours on the google said it would be open from 8:30 to 5 starting this Sunday. I hurriedly told another friend about this amazing bit of good fortune. I checked the weather forecast for Saturday and then he replied via those little iMessage dots, “nope it’s closed” and I was like “the google never lies.” Well the google lied and my bubble was burst.

Yes parks are reopening so the google may have confused it with a “normal” park but evidently parks where people lay naked on the ground soaking up much needed vitamin D are either not considered essential or they think the lying around part makes you susceptible to catching a virus.

Now I cry foul on the non-essential assumption and everyone knows unless you hang out at certain ends of naked beaches, no one makes physical contact yet alone even looks you in the eye.

So now I pine away for the naked beach to open and I will giggle if I get a COVID-19 mask tan line as I am require to wear that and nothing else. In the meantime, I will remember the mask for the weekly vodka run…

– The Girl