Today, I was late to my therapy session. Not because I was stuck in traffic or too depressed to make it. But because I simply forgot the appointment as I was working on making my house even more fabulous. I was locked and loaded on home office setup.
I have less and less to report to him these days. It used to be that I had almost a staccato delivery of anger. I didn’t pace in his office but my voice made me feel as if I was Chris Rock on stage, just not funny.
I felt like a caged animal for so long that I just would spew out my disappointment in a safe hour each week. He was the only person I could share my burden of my life and bad decisions.
But today, we discussed my weekend to the Texas Hill Country, my purchase of my first Stetson, and my skill at fixing the ice maker. I believe I used the term “winning” when I described my joy of using my new ice pick.
I told him about my movie date with myself where I built a fire in my chiminea, put together my new Adirondack chair and enjoyed popcorn, junior mints and vodka (not necessarily ranked in that order). How I laughed out loud as I watched a rom com with my airpods in and didn’t care if my neighbors thought I was a crazy person. And to answer your question, yep I put together my chiminea all on my own.
We discussed my current outlook on life and how I view my current state with optimism and empowerment. My ability to be more present in my relationships with my friends and children. My disdain for my rental home’s washing machine and my anticipation of the delivery of its replacement this weekend.
But we shifted to recent texts that I have received that centered around the fact that I seem stressed and sad all the time. I sometimes don’t know how these views come to pass by people who don’t see me on a regular basis or interact with me. But yet, I get them.
I had to question, am I lying to myself or do they simply project what they want to see in me? Like do they see me as the girl who requires saving (by them) or the woman charting her own path?
I don’t think I will be ever be able to know their motivations. I try to think that they come from a good place but I can’t convince people I am happy unless they see my smile and hear my giggle regularly. And I for one know that’s a regular occurrence…
– The Girl