Recently, I decided I hated my mattress from my former marital bed and I had to do something about it.
It was a little less than year old and I would just wake up so sore. Since there was no sex happening in that bed, I knew it was all the mattress’ fault.
Luckily, I bought it from the 365 good sleep guarantee place. And, on day 357 after sitting in a bar drinking my beloved bourbon and ginger-ales (with extra lime), I did what any normal person does semi-buzzed and with a bee in their bonnet, I called the mattress store.
Two days later I was lying on a concoction that would determine the perfect bed for me! I had to take a short survey prior to the test but i was assured all would be magical in my world post haste.
The first question it asked was “will this bed be shared?” And then it hit me, even my mattress was one big fucking compromise!
Although I paid for it, the mattress was not really my decision to make. It was a shared one where we both had input but neither really got what they wanted or needed. I think our dishes, furniture, vacations, children’s daycare, etc. may also have fallen into this trap.
To return my mattress, I had to pay a cleaning fee, confirm that the tags were still affixed and that it was still in new condition with no soiling. Now, that was where I had to really think.
Loyal readers will know that I am a squirter, so I had to think how I wanted to respond to this question in front of my teen son whose password is “6969” (and yes he thinks he has cleverly put one over Mom).
I, of course, answered “Yes, of course it is. I purchased that fancy mattress pad cover you said was spill proof.” Then I went home and frantically checked the mattress for signs of my excessive vibrator use.
Luckily for me there were no DNA samples on the bed and my mother in her effort to de-tag all my new furniture did not get her hands on the mattress tag.
Now I sleep blissfully alone on my new plush, semi firm mattress. But I still have the fancy mattress pad for when I really want to give that mattress a slutty go…
– The Girl