Wade and seek…

I have been restless
I have been reckless
I’ve been a strain on my mom’s heartI’ve been a drunk
I’ve been a dreamer
Pulling the strings on this old guitar

I’ve found a few answers
I’ve still got questions
Kept it together and fallen apartI got secrets and stories

Old shoebox memories
And choices that I’d like to changeTeardrops and laughter
And me chasing after
Years that go as quick as they came

Like a west Texas rain…

– Wade Bowen

So twenty months ago I was invited to a weekend girls trip and I never knew it would be an event that I would remark upon other than a fun trip to the Central Texas Hill Country, but it was the time I discovered Wade Bowen.

After that, I listened to his songs and never knew that they’d eventually fuel my long trip to work each day and a journey to divorce.

I’d seek out all his standards to forget I was failure, that I tried and didn’t succeed and that my children wouldn’t grow up in a two parent home.

As I would sing those songs, I’d think that it’s funny that his love songs reminded me more of what I yearned for versus what I had. His songs of devotion just pointed out my loneliness.

Fourteen months ago, I saw Wade at my local country bar. I got to sing his songs in the anonymity of a married woman just out with her friends. I knew things were over but seriously how do you end things after 20 years together?

It don’t happen ’til it does
It don’t hit you ’til it lays you flat
You don’t hear the lone train
‘Til you’re tied up on the track

– Randy Rogers (often sung by Wade Bowen)

After that my husband and I navigated telling our children that I wanted to be their dad’s friend, that I wanted them to see me smile and for their dad to have a woman look at him like he deserves to be looked at.

If we ever make it home
They’ll be peace like we’ve never known

– Wade Bowen

As I moved to my new place, drove to work and started to reconnect with friends, I sang Wade.

In the meantime, I had fleeting hours which I grasped on to with my children. Birthdays not on my weeks where I’d spend a few precious hours with the amazing kids I ushered into the world. Hockey games where I left (sometimes gratefully) without a stinky hockey bag in my car. Holidays not shared as a family, to the point that yes they had two sets of holiday pajamas.

Two weeks ago, I saw an acoustic set by Wade at a local dance hall and he called out my friend and I as we danced in the front of the stage. I realized that this man may never know how he helped me cope with what I refer to as the year of divorce.

I realized after that show I started to be me again and thrive. It’s been a year of reconnecting with me. It’s taken a year to heal but I am a better mom, daughter and friend (even to him).

Today I saw Wade far from my Texas home. He had no idea how much the girl in her cowboy hat and sundress in the Florida sun needed to dance without a care in the world, sing and shed her guilt.

But I thank Wade as today I am ready to start anew as…

The sun shines on a dreamer
Shines a light on you when you listen to your heart
The sun shines on a dreamer
Shines a light on you through the dim, through the dark

– Wade Bowen

So look out world as this girl has a lot of lost time to make up for…

– The Girl

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