So I have spent the greater part of the past few years identifying as an Alpha submissive who settles for a bottom role in a relationship. I am all things Alpha at work, home and with her children partnered with all things Beta. I yearned for the collar, to kneel, to look my dom in the eye and follow instructions sexually. But that was not my life.
I would often grew resentful that I would have to come up with the play scenarios and make suggestions like “let’s attach the leash to the collar tonight to simulate choking.” Or my Etsy order came in today, “look at those soy candles, aren’t they perfect for a little wax play.” (For the record, my Etsy history looks like a BDSM shop gone bad.)
I live a very active BDSM lifestyle. I was late to the “50 Shades of Grey” party and scoffed that the author only dedicated a paragraph and a half to art of flogging as to me it deserved at least a chapter. I love to receive the spank, the paddle or the slap of a ruler along my thigh or bare ass. Restrtaints and sensory deprivation only heighten my pleasure and don’t get me started on ass play. This is all done behind closed doors in my suburban bedroom or at the local swingers club.
But what I always wanted to do was to kneel. And if that wasn’t enough, there was the topping from the bottom to add to my indignation. My husband loved it when I would do it because evidently I fuck really well and he cums super hard.
So, I kept believing I was an Alpha Sub and then one day I put no thought and effort into the act. I did not top from the bottom and followed directions. And you know what, I did not like following directions at all. It was actually painful to give up that control.
I got to thinking, maybe it’s all in my outlook. I have been fighting my nature and his. I have literally been going against our natural behavioral types and wondering why I am not getting the desired results. (Some might call that insanity but I will save that for my therapist to judge.)
But just maybe I am getting the desired results and am unhappy as it does not fit in my idealized box of what I think I am supposed to look like? I am getting restrained, I am getting to explore my masochistic tendencies, I do get fucked in my ass pretty much when I want, I do get to try new things. And the only thing holding me back is this label I chose to identify with that really doesn’t fit me.
I explained this all to my husband the other evening over a few drinks and he just sat there looking a little incredulous and then a lot relieved. He then started to tell me how he was researching how to be more dominant to please me but it just never seemed natural. I explained the subtle difference between a bottom and a sub and how I felt I fit the former much more the latter and that the change in my outlook might be a game changer. And the sex we had, which was documented in the Violet Wand post, was some of the best we have had in a long time.
Well, I am here to announce with pride that I am a bottom. And yes, sometimes I top from the bottom and likely will for a very long time to come…